thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
