I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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