so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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