he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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