whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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