Who wears a wallet chain?!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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