Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
