I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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