I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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