george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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