Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
