Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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