Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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