The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
