They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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