How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
