mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
