Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he thought i was a dude.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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