you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
