ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
