Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
