I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize