I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
