remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
