who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
