2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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