I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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