it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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