she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
