I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
