uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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