I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
