Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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