how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
