FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
