I got chris browned last night
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
