And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
