My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
my poor anus
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
