i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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