Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize