I want to stick my p in your. b.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
