i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
