Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
