thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
