we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
