Jerry, you need to find god
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
