I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
