I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
