you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
