I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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