You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
