There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize