My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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