I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
