When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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