This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
