careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
