You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't turn off my feet"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
