It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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