I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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