By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
