He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
