I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My vagina is officially offended.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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