Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
