We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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