My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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