I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
