Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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