i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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