the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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