its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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