i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
