I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
